Freedom at 50

I was born an ugly duckling.
Bullied at school.
Introverted.
Afraid to be seen alone.
Friendship was difficult when you were not in the league.
ETC...

And now that I am 50, I can tell you all the freedom I can ever get. Looking back, I was doing what I knew best and it wasn't a pleasant childhood to be remembered and my selective memory works miracles for me!

I have learnt life the hard way. And I can only say that I was bestowed with the lessons which are needed as I age. Perseverance, resilience, adaptability, flexibility, self-sufficiency, resourcefulness, independence, all the while peeling away the layers of onion to get a better glimpse at who I really am.

Life is a continual change and it starts from the time we were born. Each of our wants and needs will change at various points in our life. I have been recreating myself many times over in the past 5 decades such as changing my career, my fashion style, my hobbies, breaking up a long term relationship, to name a few. I am just the kind of person who refuses to have the same routine year in and year out. I have a lifetime of experiences, for better or worse. My passion wasn't set in stone as I do enjoy different things at different phases, and I get carried away when I am in the flow. I have gained quite some skills and knowledge with my lifelong learning, and completing my degree was just the beginning.

I am valuing my time more as I get older by the day. I do have priorities for things and people. When something or someone is a priority, you always manage to find the time for it. What I did a couple of months back was to stop putting effort into a few one-way friendships . It is sad but so liberating! Yes, I'd rather have fewer friends than spending my time with people with a facade. Similarly, I have unsubscribed to 80% of the newsletters which no longer serve me.

I have chosen to be single, not having a mortgage and a car and no pets. I decided from the very beginning that material things are not what I am after. And I have no regret nor jealous of those who have all of them. I have gotten rid of my rose colored glasses quite some time ago as I hit rock bottom and I needed to suck up the harsh reality. I am no longer ashamed of my vulnerability and transparency is what I value these days. Albeit a great multi-tasker, I prefer not to wear too many hats so I am currently a daughter, a student, and an explorer with no intention whatsoever to pull off wearing more hats. I still have my resting bitch face screaming 'Don't fuck with me' and I am okay with that.

Aging is not a problem to be solved or fixed. Instead of focusing on superficial matters and material gains, I want to feel useful. Accepting that death will come at any point doesn't diminish the value of our lives. I have yet to discover what my purpose is that is sustainable. I am open to whatever speaks to me in the years ahead. This blog is one of my contribution to the women at midlife and I do hope you will jump aboard and share your stories with me.