The Pros of Ageing

Physically I am no longer as robust and nimble as I were 20 years ago. My errands mainly include visiting the chemist, doctor appointments and the likes. My energy levels have dropped quite significantly and I need more rest than ever these days. My back gives up on me after standing for a period of time before I need to sit or lie down. I get sick more frequently than ever as my immune system has taken a nose-dive, not to mention all the unpleasant symptoms that come menopause.

On the other hand, there are the intrinsic benefits from reaching midlife. We no longer worry about getting the male gaze or relying on being the centre of the spotlight to be confident about ourselves. We have developed resilience overtime without knowing it; we aren't dead yet are we? We have developed reasonable expectations (or without) and know that we cannot possibly have everything so we get to prioritise what we do want and what is feasible. Saying no is almost a no-brainer as we are more focused on how and with whom our time is spent.

As I write for this blog, it is a joy to share the resources acquired from a lifetime of world experience, wisdom or not. I am happy to impart my very own knowledge that have accumulated from the years of living, despite inevitable losses. I want to share with you my readers that we are not too old for anything except having a baby or climbing the Everest. We can definitely start a career and have the freedom to do whatever we wish, knowing our physical limitations and obstacles we need to overcome. I have been a lifelong learner ever since my graduation from uni but I doubt another degree in law or medicine is in the pipe. I have written and self published a book but I doubt I'll ever get another book published due to the cost involved (but an e-book might be in order). Travelling is still on top of my priority list and I strongly suggest midlifers to take as many trips as possible while you are still physically strong and able. Make use of your innate gift and talent and make something out of it, will you? (Why do you think I am writing this blog and launching my podcast?) There are dreams which haven't manifested as yet but they are still viable as long as you are kicking and alive!

Change is the only constant and uncertainty is the only certainty. Midlife is simply another phase of transitions which can be uncomfortable and my remedy is to keep learning something new to re-build my self-esteem. I am now reading a short novel in french which is definitely a confidence booster (albeit a dictionary is within arms reach). My business failure of 5 years is indeed heart-breaking but I have nothing to lose anymore do I?  I can be as creative as I want to be without much expectation, knowing full well that there are things which are uncontrollable. And unless you drop dead, there will always be the gap between who we are and who we want to be. Accomplishments are important to me but I am also aware of the fact that nothing I accomplish will permanently change my self-image. I am who I am regardless of the accolades I manage to amass. My definition of success is probably different from you but how I measure my life has a profound impact on my wellbeing. To me it is the freedom of making enough money from being appreciated for what I have to offer, doing what I enjoy doing on a regular basis. You can't take your wealth with you into the grave, can you? I believe that by constantly looking out for possibilities and opportunities may pave the many different paths to where I want to be. Instead of being a critic, I opt to be a prolific creator (i.e. consumer vs creator). I no longer seek love, validation / permission and approval from the world around me but to give them to myself. Being resourceful is the key here. After all the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with myself. I don't compare with others but with my older version of myself. (I have deleted my Twitter and Pinterest accounts without feeling I am missing out on anything substantial!) The most difficult thing is to stop fighting and start accepting, which is still a work in progress.  Status quo is something I have been trying to beat all my life. A collective agreement by the majority of people may not be the right one and it is okay to challenge, to question the reality and come up with something of my own (wonder why there are trailblazers out there?). In spite of my failed business, I do believe that anything worth doing takes time and effort and Rome wasn't built in a day! There is a trade off for everything you do in life which it is only fair . Discomfort is the price to pay for anything meaningful. Every one of us has a story worth telling and it is in my interest to share mine with you with this blog.

I am not a person who cares much about routine but it is crucial to acquire a habit, a hobby or a ritual and do it everyday to stay sane. I need my caffeine fix first thing in the morning without exception. I write at least once a week for readers like you. My hobby changes at different points of my life but there is always something I am interested in pursuing.  Progress is rarely linear. There are days when I just want to hide under my blankets and what I pour my heart into may not necessarily reward me the result I have expected. I have learnt it the hard way, many times over. We are all taking risks on a daily basis where outcome is unknown. There is no such thing as security especially when the nature takes its course. There is no such thing as the perfect time or the perfect place either as we don't know if there will be a tomorrow!

To recap, ageism is heavily associated with loss and limitations which is true to a certain extent. Milestones are markers of transitions. Change is a constant at any age as long as we are moving forward. So, instead of celebrating the birth of a child, birthdays, religious holidays, anniversaries, there are more to celebrate as we get to a certain age. Let's commemorate the things we may never do again such as getting a law degree, wearing a bikini and bar-crawling, while treating midlife a rightful time to free ourselves of outdated goals, things that no longer fit the current version of us. The older I get the more I can let go of. (That's is how I started on the path of minimalism.) I am proud to say I am now living more authentically than at any time before, letting go of things I 'should' do but focus instead on things I truly want and can do. There will always be firsts to celebrate, lasts to savour and nevers to let go of with liberating resolve.

Freedom at 50

I was born an ugly duckling.
Bullied at school.
Introverted.
Afraid to be seen alone.
Friendship was difficult when you were not in the league.
ETC...

And now that I am 50, I can tell you all the freedom I can ever get. Looking back, I was doing what I knew best and it wasn't a pleasant childhood to be remembered and my selective memory works miracles for me!

I have learnt life the hard way. And I can only say that I was bestowed with the lessons which are needed as I age. Perseverance, resilience, adaptability, flexibility, self-sufficiency, resourcefulness, independence, all the while peeling away the layers of onion to get a better glimpse at who I really am.

Life is a continual change and it starts from the time we were born. Each of our wants and needs will change at various points in our life. I have been recreating myself many times over in the past 5 decades such as changing my career, my fashion style, my hobbies, breaking up a long term relationship, to name a few. I am just the kind of person who refuses to have the same routine year in and year out. I have a lifetime of experiences, for better or worse. My passion wasn't set in stone as I do enjoy different things at different phases, and I get carried away when I am in the flow. I have gained quite some skills and knowledge with my lifelong learning, and completing my degree was just the beginning.

I am valuing my time more as I get older by the day. I do have priorities for things and people. When something or someone is a priority, you always manage to find the time for it. What I did a couple of months back was to stop putting effort into a few one-way friendships . It is sad but so liberating! Yes, I'd rather have fewer friends than spending my time with people with a facade. Similarly, I have unsubscribed to 80% of the newsletters which no longer serve me.

I have chosen to be single, not having a mortgage and a car and no pets. I decided from the very beginning that material things are not what I am after. And I have no regret nor jealous of those who have all of them. I have gotten rid of my rose colored glasses quite some time ago as I hit rock bottom and I needed to suck up the harsh reality. I am no longer ashamed of my vulnerability and transparency is what I value these days. Albeit a great multi-tasker, I prefer not to wear too many hats so I am currently a daughter, a student, and an explorer with no intention whatsoever to pull off wearing more hats. I still have my resting bitch face screaming 'Don't fuck with me' and I am okay with that.

Aging is not a problem to be solved or fixed. Instead of focusing on superficial matters and material gains, I want to feel useful. Accepting that death will come at any point doesn't diminish the value of our lives. I have yet to discover what my purpose is that is sustainable. I am open to whatever speaks to me in the years ahead. This blog is one of my contribution to the women at midlife and I do hope you will jump aboard and share your stories with me.

How is life different between a millennial and a midlifer?

There is racism.
There is sexism.
And then there is ageism.
Everything to do with separatism and individualism.
What is going on in the world when all humans are supposed to be just humans, animals of sorts and that none of us are immortal!

Each and every one of us is going to get 'older' (than) by the second.
This blog is a platform for all of us 50 + women who are feeling 'old', invisible, ignored, and humiliated to a certain extent. This is a safe place to hook up with each other and back each other up, exploring what it is that makes us who we are, unapologetically. I wish we could feel good about ourselves at whatever age we are if we were willing to be naked and vulnerable. Let's help each other to be comfortable in our own skin. We still have a lot to offer and I am not going to be consigned to invisibility.

A millennial is going to enter midlife sooner or later. And a midlifer always remembers the younger version that she was. None of us want to be stereotyped with unwanted notions and judgements and we can only truly know someone through their life stories, not based on what we believe or our very own opinions.

How am I different from a millennial? Not much really. I am a scanner, creative, I love diversity, excellent at multi-tasking, a no-shit attitude and a rule breaker. I am unwilling to commit to jobs which involves long hours and measly pay. I have been an entrepreneur for over 15 years and  loving it (together with my failure). Being able to work whenever and wherever I want is already the biggest perk. I was born with a millennial mindset and I am adamant to use my innate traits positively, to be involved in creative endeavours, pursuing challenges and make things happen.

So is it possible to have friends who are 20 or 30 years younger? Of course! The only difference is that the millennials have come into this world in a technology permeated time and space, which makes me vintage coming from the Stone Age. We still care about our looks. Don't you care to keep your clothing looking presentable and check your appearance before you step out the door? I for one always dress according to my personal style, as opposed to following the trend. I  have my head shaved a year and a half ago , not because I crave attention but for the reason I hate spending time and money keeping maintenance, and I like the way I look skinhead! How I look is none of any body's business and honestly, not many people care! So what if my legs don't turn heads? I have to make sure not to wear anything which shows the skin above my ankles because of the unsightly scars from chronic eczema. However I am still confident about how I look and feel, that I am worthy and pretty by my standard. I might be 'out of shape' compared to my younger self, but I have challenges to manage that come with ageing than fretting about my body shape. We can never defy gravity and having medical appointments all over my planner has become a norm which I have rightfully accepted. Physical and mental decline is inevitable but I never let them define me. And yes we are conscious of the world situation and the ecological phenomenon and that's where activists step in to see to it. Do you realise how many midlifers volunteer as an advocate for dire causes? I am not on Instagram / Pinterest but I make sure I check my Facebook notifications every now and then and that my inbox is reduced to a minimum.

So why waving the white flag just because we have lived half a century? And how old is old anyway?

The language of ageing

I have skin head for a year and a half now and have been wearing a hat of sorts just to avoid the 'looks' I get in public. It is not a norm for women to have skinhead and tattoos all over their bodies where I am currently based. As it is getting unbearably hot, I have no choice but to ditch anything covering up my head which means risking the stares and unpleasant comments on my look.

'How is the chemo going?'

'Have you become a vegetarian?'

What kind of questions are these? I was complimented in Iceland where I had my head shaved and all of a sudden this is something to be ashamed of while I am in Hong Kong?

Okay, that's got nothing to do with ageing, but the unwanted remarks hurt just as bad.

I have been told by many that 'I don't look my age' when people found out I am 50. So what exactly does a 50 year old woman look like? And if I don't look my age, which is 50, how old do I look?

And why is it that you should never ask a woman her age? What does that imply?

'You look great!' (for my age?)

'How do you manage to look so young? What is your secret?' It is in my genes!

'How can I help you, young lady?' Why can't you just ask the question without naming me in your perception of who I am?

'So you are now 50 years young.'

'60 is the new 30'. What the hell?

'Old dogs can't learn new tricks.' I might not be born with an ipad in my cot but aren't we all trying our best to keep up with the latest technology?

Don't you ever use the words 'adorable' and 'cute'  on me. Show some respect!

Words both spoken and written are powerful; they could be the highlight of your day or leave a bitter taste in the mouth. And I don't tolerate demeaning older people with so called compliments.

Let's not kid ourselves, we live in an ageist society where women automatically 'become' invisible at a certain age and those between 18-28 are admired and idolized. These young ladies are going to get old too (of course unless they are dead before they hit 30) mind you so it is vital that women across the age spectrum need to address the issue of ageism starting young. Language loaded with rudeness, hostility, and condescension has permeated the very fabric of society globally and it is never too soon to address the harm and infliction to our psyche by re-wiring our mind to choose civility over disrespect. A different choice of words has the power to create a new frame of mind.

According to the statistics, people are living much longer these days and we were told that this is a problem or crisis in the daily communication media. Watch the advertisement. Read the magazines.

Are you drawn to the beauty brands with an anti-ageing formula?

Are you gullible enough to even dream of going under the knife to make yourself forever young as botox promised?

Let's face it. There is no potion or surgery which can possibly reverse your biological clock and it is just plain wishful thinking especially if you have a ton of money to burn. Why can't you just accept the fact that we are all getting older by the second, celebrate mature beauty and embrace the benefits of ageing? Be cool about your age as there is nothing to hide. I have even tattooed my birthday on my neck for everyone to see! There are so many words circulated in our everyday communication such as: mature, of a certain age, senior, boomer, senile, crone, spinster, pensioner, retiree, and on and on but we are never the label given to us, we are just an older woman, compared to those who are younger that us. Period. On the other hand, we are not ageless because the word itself connotates a negative situation which is just not true. Nobody can be ageless. And to be ageless directly means ageing is something to abhor, if nothing else.

Personally I have always been an independent woman, self-sufficient, authentic and down to earth, a high achiever and go-getter, bold and daring. I certainly would't to be put into a box  of incompetence, debilitation and dependency. I want to die with respect and dignity, not a pound of flesh without a mind of my own. Having a problem with authority since the beginning of time, I do not put my life into the hands of medical practitioners, nor my parents or anyone who claims superiority over me regardless of my age. I have had half a century of real life experience and I prefer to trust myself and to hold on to my autonomy until my last breath.

In French, Quel age a-tu? literally means 'What age have you?' And I interpret it as how much experience you have so far. I like that.

Welcome to my Blog!

Born way back in the Stone Age, I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society of rat-races and blatantly fail to keep up with the technologies. I need plenty of solitude and space, at least 8 hours of shut-eyes to stay sane and regular doses of spontaneity to stay alive. This is not a selfish act but a self-preservation practice. I have no choice but to accept my physical limitations as I age and decide to let go of things and people that no longer matter for my wellbeing. There will be health challenges of all sorts to face and overcome.  Accepting the downside of ageing is probably the first thing we need if we were to carry on existing, and it is okay to be older.

Nobody wants to grow old (and why exactly is that?) and the only way to prevent ageing is for our lives to end. Not that I haven't tried. Seriously. There are people who did exactly that to avoid the consequences of ageing but it wasn't that easy, trust me, so we might as well find and live a purposeful life if our time ain't up yet. I admit I have the means to live but no meaning to live for, which is simply sad.

Growing 'old' was the last thing on my mind 30 odd years ago when I was blooming and basking in all the attentions a pretty girl could ever imagine getting and death was such a far out phenomenon that I never spent much time pondering about. Well, having just turned 50, I have decided it is about time to become visible again and re-invent my screwed up life from scratch. This blog is one of my healing tools for myself and you my audience who find yourself mired in this grenade, buried alive in a society which caters only to the 20's and dodges women of a certain age like a plague. I write because I have something worthy to say and would like to share with women in a similar situation, to encourage you to love and care for yourself because you matter. I matter as I am writing this. My writing is a service to a community of women which gives me meaning and purpose. Please join me to heal the world of ageism, one heart at a time.